Ever since I can remember I have wanted to be a mom. I would hold my sweet baby nieces and nephews and imagine the day I would be holding my own baby! It would be pure bliss indeed!
Fast forward to when I got married. Brance knew from the start my love for babies and my strong desire to become a mother. We often discussed when we would start our family! By no surprise I was eager for that baby! Yes, we were both still in school and working starter jobs but we could definitely make it work.... Just give me a baby!!!! However, Brance is more logical and knew it just wasn't time yet!
After an amazing year together we decided to try for a little one! I was ecstatic to see that little plus sign that next month. That feeling quickly faded though, when I went to the E.R. and was told I was having a miscarriage. My worst nightmare was coming true. We were devastated, as you can imagine! We became a stronger couple because of this experience and quickly decided to try again when able. A few months later I found myself pregnant again! We prayed and prayed this little one would make it. When we went to the first ultrasound and saw that little heart beat our own hearts we filled with joy! We made it through the first trimester (me being sicker than a dog, but grateful for that sign that the baby was thriving!) the rest of the pregnancy went smoothly and 9 months later at 12:18pm our sweet baby boy entered this world. The birth was absolutely amazing and everything we could have asked for!
...SSSOOO then we lived happily ever after, right??
Not so fast! Upon bringing my sweet baby home I quickly realized I wasn't feeling myself. I blamed it on the lack of sleep, my screaming babe, and the whole adjustment to motherhood. It became worse as time went on and I often felt it would never end. All I wanted was to be back in SLC where I grew up. With those who knew me best. Who I felt comfortable with. I often didn't feel good enough for my husband or my baby. I was miserable. I was angry! My whole life I wanted this! I wanted something so good! I longed for it. So why was it so hard?? Why was I going through this?? I remember a specific time when my husband had gone to campus to study and I was at home with the baby. He wouldn't stop crying. I was crying. I remember thinking that I couldn't possibly do this. Which started the negative self talk downward spiral. I called my husband in tears, baby screaming in the background, telling him he needed to come home and pleading with him to tell me why this was happening to me. I cannot explain to you how hard this was for me.
At my postpartum appointment, while talking with my midwife about these events and how I was feeling, we discovered I was suffering from Postpartum Depression (PPD). Honestly, I felt ashamed and disappointed in myself. That wasn't me... That's never been me! So why!? Would this happen every time I had a baby?? What was I going to do!? She prescribed me some anti depressants, gave me some encouraging words and off we went to fight. I felt better but was still felt like I was on a roller coaster of emotions! About 2 months passed and I felt better so I stopped taking the medicine. Although I was still up and done but fought it with all my might!! I soon made some other mom friends and got into my grove when my baby was a bout 6 months! Though those thoughts and feelings kept happening I tried to ignore them. I pushed them aside but I knew, as well as my husband, that I wasn't myself. I was snappy, moody, irritable, and sad. No matter how hard I tried, I felt it would never end! But remember! I was ashamed and felt I would just be judged and looked down on so I didn't want to talk to anyone. Finally, I told my husband that it was still a daily battle for me and I hated it. He was great at encouraging me and giving me hope so I thrived on that! One day we were standing in the kitchen, my little one about 8 or 9 months now, I told him that I think I need to talk to the doctor about it. He hugged me and of course I started to cry. He told me there is nothing to be ashamed of and that he loved me. But I still felt so embarrassed and disappointed. I just wanted to be back to my normal self, before baby! I hated those thoughts though because I wanted a baby so bad and I love my little boy with all that I have. It's been about a month since then. I haven't talked to my doctor. I'm not sure what happened but I have been feeling so much better. Perhaps it's that I have an awesome mom friend that I hang out with often. Or that we get out of the house and play outside. Maybe it's because I'm excited about my newly found hobbies or starting up school again! It's probably all those things actually. I couldn't be more grateful for them.
*now I don't recommend just "toughing it out" there are resources and help available for those of us who struggle. It does not make you weak to seek them out!*
So my message to those who are struggling or have struggled with PPD or any mental illness. There is a whole community that can relate. There is help out there! Although you may feel you are in the deepest darkest hole and don't even see a speck of light at the end, I invite you to hold on to mine. I was there once. I know how dark, cold, and lonely it is! Trust me! I really do. But here I am. Emerging from that place and into the light! So please, if you can't see it. Hold onto mine! Please! Please! I beg you to know that it does not define you! You are bigger than whatever demon is pulling you down. You are strong. You are beautiful. You are courageous and you can beat this! You are not alone. You are so loved. So valuable. So precious.
"Don't you give up. Don't you quit. You keep walking. You keep trying. There is help and happiness ahead....trust God and believe in good things to come!"
-Jeffery R. Holland
